An Interview with the Indominatable Sir Spendrick Hogsbottom

Who are you?

Sir Spendrick Hogsbottom.

The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?

My manager, saying that Shirley Bassey has finally consented to sing a duet with me of "Islands in the Stream".

When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?

I prefer to frequent the local market, carrying an attractive-yet-manly basket to put the groceries in.

In a social setting, are you more a talker or listener?

I don't have the time to spend my life listening to the nattering of other people. Besides, I am generally much more interesting than them, anyways.

Do you play Soduku?

I rely on my band to worry about the instruments. Although I don't know if we've ever used a soduku. Is that oriental? I'll see about having it on my next album: it sounds intriguing.

If abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?

Probably not, unless someone else was with me that I could eat.

Do you like to ride horses?

I learned to ride side-saddle in the orphanage, as instructed by a nun. Someone accused me of being a poof and I gave it up.

Did you ever go to camp as a kid?

Does the orphanage count as camp?

Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?

Religion, as they say, is the opiate of the masses. That being said, I have never been one to turn down opiates, so I don't see why dating a Papist would be that big a hullabaloo.

Do any songs make you cry?

Only the wretched remix of my version of David Bowie's "Heroes". The original version was recorded at the BBC for a celebration of Mr. Bowie's artistic accomplishments. I was pleased with it, I mean, it's a pretty good song, y'know? A bit pretentious, but then, that's Bowie, right? And heaven knows I sang the hell out of it. But those poseurs at the Beeb said it wasn't up to their standards. I mean, did you ever even listen to Peel's show? Any Kraut with a keyboard could get his atonal noodling on that. But, y'know, what have you. Their loss.

But then some Kraut (probably the same one with the keyboard!) found the recording on some bootleg, and thought it might be a kick to remix the entire song. Which, y'know, I'm hip, if it gets me played in Ibiza, so much the better. But you can't even tell what I'm singing! The bloody idiot fed my vocals through a distorty thing! Granted, the lyrics are all bollocks (sorry, David! Honestly, what do dolphins have to do with the Berlin Wall?), but really, people don't buy my records for the lyrics! You can barely even tell it's me singing at times, it's just noise! I just have to assume that its tenure at the top of the charts throughout Europe was due to name recognition, because why else would anyone have bought the thing?

Oh, and "The Way We Were". I mean, Babs just tears your heart out, know what I mean?

Are you continuing your education?

The world is my school, and life, my education. Unfortunately, I seem to spend a lot of that life waiting outside the metaphorical headmaster's office.

Do you know how to shoot a gun?

I've been known to shoot a few animals. We're at the top of the food-chain, people! If God can't get off his arse to save a few foxes, who the hell am I to impede the circle of life?

If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing that you'd grab?

My gold records. And my Viagra.

Do you think more about the past, present of the future?

What day is this?

What was your favourite children's book?

Green Eggs and Ham.

What colour are your eyes?

The same

How tall are you?

At least 6’ 2” depending on which pants I’m wearing.

Where is your ideal house located?

Somewhere with lax extradition laws, low taxes, and a low age of consent.

Seriously?

A Hawaiian-style house in the South Pacific, with all of the above.

Have you ever taken pictures in a photo-booth?

I'm not a big fan of photos. They steal your soul, and I've found it's better in life not to leave a paper trail.

When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?

I always thought olives grew in groves? Or is it orchards?

Where was the farthest place you've travelled?

Physically or mentally? My body has been around the world, my mind has been much, much further.

Do you like mustard?

Not since I almost gassed myself and Lakshmi while trying to make yogurt soup one night. Who knew that you couldn't substitute yellow mustard seeds for black ones? Yeah, okay, so the recipe might've mentioned something like that, but I didn't think it would be that bad!

Do you prefer to sleep or eat?

I'm into all sorts of scenes, mate!

Do you look like your mom or dad?

I don't right know, being abandoned and all. They found me in a piece of luggage in Waterloo Station; nowadays, the luggage would probably be detonated by the bomb squad, with me in it!

How long does it take you in the shower?

I prefer to be bathed.

Can you do the splits?

On purpose? My hips aren't what they used to be: if I did, I might never be able to get up. In any sense of the word.

What did you do for New Year?

It must have been wonderful, because I have no memory of it at all.

Do you think The Grudge was scary?

I assume you mean my grudge with Leon "Itchy" Pensonhurst. Or his grudge with me. Whatever. It'd be a lot scarier if I thought he would ever make it out of prison, but the blighter just keeps on slapping the guards when he feels like he's being disrespected. Which, apparently, means that they deign to breathe in his presence. You produce a couple of gimmicky reggae records, and suddenly you think you're Phil fucking Spector. The cheek! Besides, it wasn't my idea to smoke a bowl on my bloody Christmas record, it was his. The fact that I did the smoking -- well, I wasn't the one out on probation, was I? And I am not known for my self-restraint, eh?

Do you own a camera-phone?

Is this like those video-phones that they used to tell us everyone would own by the year 1980? Because, honestly, those were never a good idea, and I can't say that I would ever want to own one.

Was your mom a cheerleader?

Possibly, see above.

What's the last letter of your middle name?

X.

How many hours of sleep do you get a night?

What day is this?

Do you like the Care Bears?

I'm not a big fan of the Gays, although they seem to love me, but those burly ones do seem a bit more manly than the marys you usually see running the antique stores. They remind me a little bit of myself, except for all the cock-and-bum fun.

What do you buy at the movies?

I'm not a big fan of movies. At least, not the kind of movies where you traditionally can expect to find concession stands.

Do you know how to play poker?

Yes, but whenever I play my guitar player seems to end up with all my loot and then we don’t see him for two or three days.

Do you wear your seat belt?

Only when I’m not driving.

What do you wear to sleep?

A cocktail, a smile, and the latest lass to grace me pillow.

Anything big ever happen in your home town?

London? I hear the Blitz was considered fairly significant.

How many meals do you eat a day?

Far too many, I'm afraid.

Is your tongue pierced?

That sounds poofy. Why would I need my tongue pierced?

Do you always read MySpace bulletins?

What? Whose space? Who are you?

Do you like funny or serious people better?

What other kinds are there?

Ever been to LA?

More times then you’ve wanked, junior.

Did you eat a cookie today?

No, but I nibbled a receptionist.

Do you use cuss words in other languages?

I've lived in 23 countries, and the curse words are the only ones I ever bothered to learn. Which always made speaking to the butcher a challenge, but I am not one who has a great facility with language.

Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?

PIRACY IS KILLING THE MUSIC INDUSTRY. And besides, some Kraut might find an unreleased track and BUTCHER IT MERCILESSLY!

Do you hate chocolate?

So you’ve heard the rumors. I try not to hate.

What do you and your parents fight about the most?

You sure are fixated on my parents, eh? In my fantasies, we fight about why they left me in Waterloo instead of Victoria. And also, why they chose to lock the suitcase they had me stuffed into.

If you could have any job, what would it be?

Plastic surgeon. I’d love to make the world a better place, one breast implant at a time.

Are you easy to get along with?

I think so. Which is odd, considering how many enemies I seem to have.

What is your favourite time of day?

What day is this?

Adapted from the fabulous Minge, and his wonderful interview with Billie Trix.

With some assistance on the harder questions from the other half of The Spendrick Hogsbottom Experience, Ryan.