Psychopompous

Oh, Minge!

Have you felt terribly alone or isolated?

I am a rock.

When do you feel tense, nervous or anxious?

When I consider the future blob.


Do you have someone to turn to for support when needed?

Yes.

Do you feel ok about yourself?

Hey, I could be worse.

Ever felt totally lacking in energy and enthusiasm?

GOD YES.

Have you ever been physically violent to others?

Mostly with my brother. We love each other, but we have a history of violence (not recently). Him hitting me, me putting him into a chokehold.

Can you cope when things go wrong?

I tend to retreat into myself.

Are you troubled by aches, pains or other physical problems?

I don't obsess about them.

Ever considered harming yourself?

Probably. I was a histrionic teen-ager, much given to drama.

Has talking to others sometimes felt too much?

Definitely. At a certain point my reserves of sociability are used up, and I just want to curl up in a corner and do my own thing.

Tension and anxiety prevent you doing important things?

Less than used to be the case.

Are you happy with the things you do?

Um, sure. Not always. No. Yes. What?

Are you disturbed by unwanted thoughts?

Just about mortality and the brevity of life.

Do you feel like crying?

Sure.

Who's the hottest movie star?

I'll be entirely predictable and say George Clooney.

Have you recently felt panic or terror?

Work-related, yes. Which is not appropriate.

Do you care?

Yes.

Have you made plans to end your life?

Theoretical plans. Not going as far as implanting a cyanide capsule in my tooth, though.

Ever felt overwhelmed?

Yes, quite often.

What's your sleep pattern like?

Go to bed at 3AM, wake up at 11:30AM. I have always been a night person, even as a baby, my parents describe me lying in my crib, just staring up into the darkness.

Do you feel warmth or affection for someone?

Yes.

Have your problems been impossible to put to one side?

Yes. Although I try to.

Can you complete a task?

Yes, but I am easily distracted, so the task had better be easily achieved.

Do you threaten or intimidate other people?

My size tends to intimidate: I am basically a gigantic wall of man. Then I speak, and the illusion of butch dissipates into the ether.

Do you feel desperate or hopeless?

Oh sure. It's part of the human condition, and I don't trust people who have never felt that way.

Would you be better off dead?

Um, no. Why? What have you heard?

What's the most outrageous thing you've ever done?

Having Julie videotape me frolicking naked in the fountain in front of city hall at 11 PM in Livonia, Michigan. Most of my most outrageous things include Julie.

Do people criticise you?

Yes, although I remain my most consistent and vociferous critic.

Are you good at spelling and simple arithmetic?

Yes, although higher mathematics might as well be magic for all I know.

How can you win friends and influence people?

Money and power. And a smear campaign against your opponents.

How can you lose friends and alienate people?

Inappropriate sarcasm seems to do the trick.

Do you have any friends?

What a depressing question! Of course I do. Not a lot, because I find human beings wearying, but more now than I've had since I was in junior high, thanks to AmeriCorps.

Does your family like you?

How could they not? I bring the fabulous to the family reunions.

How do you cope in supermarkets?

Avoid the elderly, keep my head down and soldier through.

Happy or unhappy?

Yes.

Do unwanted images or memories distress you?

Of course.

You're alone in your bedroom. Someone else is at home with you. They knock on your door. What do you say?

"WHAT?"

Do you fantasise?

Why? Don't you?

How often are you irritable with others?
Heh. Yes.

Are you to blame for your problems or someone else?

It's all me, baby. Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine.

How optimistic are you about the future?

Pessimism is the way to go: you are never surprised when things turn to shit, but whenever they don't, you are pleasantly surprised.

Have you got a pot to piss in?

Sure.

What are your life goals and are you likely to achieve them?

Get a job in a library. Own a dog. Don't lose all my friends. Possibly achievable.

Are you ashamed of yourself?

Right now? Not particularly. Why? What are you implying?

Do people humiliate you?

Not on purpose, but I often feel humiliated. I'm overly sensitive.

Would you like to kidnap anyone?

Um, is there any reason why I should? I would like to go shopping with Patricia Hearst, though.

Have you ever taken serious risks with your health?

Probably, I can't give you any examples though.

Have you ever harmed yourself?

Yes. Albeit not deliberately.

Enough with the navel-gazing.