Morbid Much?

A meme foisted upon me by a more-morbid-than-usual Minge.

What do you think happens after you die?

You decompose. People forget you.

Do you believe in heaven?

Not as such, no.

Do you believe in hell?

Not as such, no. You make your own heaven and hell right here on earth.

Do you think you will be judged after you die?

Minge said it best: "Yes, by all the people I've left behind."

How many people will attend your funeral?

Depends on if its on a weekend. If I died now, I'd say... 18. 18 that I would expect to come, possible more, depending.

Would you rather that people cry or laugh at your funeral?

I know my friends and family, so they would cry a little, and then start making fun of all the stupid things I did -- like when I almost burned the house down while making falafel in high school -- and laughing until they cried again. Which is fun. I'm not big on emotional displays, and I think it would dishonor my memory to have anybody wailing with grief, throwing themselves on the casket. That isn't how W.A.S.P.s do these things.

Actually, I really want people to dance at my funeral: get out the disco ball, start playing the Marshall Jefferson 12" mix of "Being Boring", or Womack & Womack's "Teardrops". That would be a great funeral.

What's better? A shot in the head or downing pills?

Neither, both sound messy. (Always remember Lupe Velez...)

What should be written on your tombstone?

"Whatever." (My dad and I actually discussed this last night.)

Would you rather die childless or divorced?

Hey, if I die divorced, then that means gay marriage was legalized! But I certainly don't want to contribute to human overpopulation. Is "both" an acceptable answer?

Do you want to die in the morning, afternoon, or night?

In a warm, cozy bed, at night in the middle of winter. Preferably during the first snow of the season.

If you had a million pounds to leave, who would you leave it to?

I dunno. Probably a charity. Maybe some to my parents, to pay them back for being an economic burden. But I honestly doubt that I would ever have that much money and not spend it.

What kind of flowers do you want at your funeral?

Calla lilies, because I have liked them ever since I saw Robert Mapplethorpe's pictures of them.

On your deathbed, which moment will you most remember?

All of them. I have a good memory. Of course, with my luck, I'll only remember when I was typing this.

Have you ever watched someone die?

No.

What's the most gruesome death you can imagine?

The Bacchae, bitter from having been spurned by me in favor of "hot men" -- although, in my defense, who can blame me? -- first throw sticks and stones at me as I play my music, but my music is so beautiful that even the rocks and branches refuse to strike me. Me and nature, see, we have an understanding. Enraged, the lucky bitches tear me to pieces during the frenzy of their Bacchic orgies, and toss my head and lyre in the river, where they still produce beautiful music to this day.

How often do you think about death?

A few times a day.

Is fear of dying your number one fear?

Naw, my fear is of everybody else dying. Dying is easy, it's surviving the loss that's hard.

Do you believe in reincarnation?

Not in a strict sense of my soul coming back in a new body. But we're all a part of the circle of life, we're all of the earth, and to the earth we return. This life is only borrowed.

Have you ever wished someone you loved were dead?

Not in the sense of actually wishing they were dead. I said it to be mean a couple times, because I am a complete asshole.

Do you consider life short or long?

Life is what it is.

Do you think you have a soul?

If I do, then it is located in my appendix, because the appendix is the seat of the soul.

Assisted suicide for a terminally ill person is:

A choice that should be respected.

If you were cremated, where would you like your ashes?

I want the urn containing my ashes to be set adrift on a flaming raft in the middle of the Atlantic, with gold statuettes of various Norse, Greek, Egyptian, and Hindu deities at each corner of the raft. I figure the Judeo-Christian angle will be satisfied for whatever funeral of memorial service my family has for me, and I'd like my affection for goofy mythology to be respected. The raft sinks to the bottom of the ocean, like our lives sink into the waters of the sea of time, forgotten and beautiful.

Would you choose to be immortal, if you could be?

FUCK NO.

What do you think of ouija boards?

They'd look good hanging on the wall.