I've drunk a lot of vodka, and this is directed towards someone very specific.

FUCK YOU.

I have had a bad, bad day, and I have no other means of venting. The only good thing is that I received the first Action Philosophers trade paperback in the mail tonight. I hope your day is much better than mine.

I love you, man, unless you are someone very specific that this post is directed towards. In which case, FUCK YOU.

God Save The Queen (From Dentures On The Lam)

I went to see "The Queen" with Liz and Amanda yesterday in West Palm Beach. The movie was, not surprisingly, good. You should see it, etc. etc., but that is not what I will be discussing today.

I want to talk about the audience that was watching the movie. More specifically, I want to talk about the people sitting behind us. They were complete nightmares: a group of elderly people who insisted on talking throughout a great deal of the movie. Talking at full volume, and for extended periods of time. Exchanges such as this:

OLD MAN: "Who's that?"
OLD WOMAN: "I think that might be her husband."
OLD MAN: "WHAT??"
OLD WOMAN: "HER HUSBAND! IT'S HER HUSBAND!"
OLD MAN: "Whose husband?"

And so it continued. If you have seen the movie, you know that this is not a full-sensory-experience blockbuster: there are extended periods where there is no sound at all. No sound except the sound of the audience, that is. No sound but old people discussing who the guy SLEEPING IN THE QUEEN'S BED IS!!! "Oh, well, that's her pimp. He likes to get a piece of that red-hot action every once in a while."

Also, any time any of the characters insulted the queen, the woman would say, "YEAH!" Or, "THAT'S RIGHT!" Or, "SHE'S JUST JEALOUS OF DIANA!" Clearly the woman missed some of the point of the movie, which is not surprising, since she talked through the point of the movie. She was not bashful about expressing where her sympathies lie.

But if that were the worst crime committed, it would have been merely irritating. What thrust the entire thing into the realm of the absurd was when the woman's denture container fell out of her purse during a particularly important part, spilling her dentures on the floor. What followed was five minutes of them shouting at one another, rooting around behind us, trying to find her teeth. There was no effort to try to be quiet about it, there was no consideration for those of us whose teeth were not on the floor of the cinema.

And then, to top it all off, they clapped when the movie ended. Why did they do that? The same thing happened when I saw "Dreamgirls", and I was as puzzled then. Who were they clapping for? The projectionist? Because the picture was shaky for the entire duration, occasionally making me feel sea-sick. Were they clapping for themselves, for providing such a distracting floor show? I just don't know. Surely they recognize that Helen Mirren isn't actually in the theater, performing solely for our benefit. Good Lord, just imagine these people at a live performance!

It's bad enough when one has to contend with obnoxious teenagers making snide remarks throughout "Brokeback Mountain"; now the elderly have decided to get in on some of that irritant action. Is there no one left in the world that recognizes that seeing a movie in a theater is not the same thing as watching it in the privacy of your own home? Has this society been completely overrun with assholes?

I ask that question rhetorically, by the way.

The Virgin Gary

Rightwing students at the University of Texas have created a novel Nativity scene, with a gay couple called Gary and Joseph standing in for the Holy Family.

The group chose Lenin, Marx and Stalin as the Three Wise Men. The festive scene is completed by two angels, one of whom is Democratic Speaker of the House-elect Nancy Pelosi, the other a terrorist.

Via.

It's so adorable when conservatives turn to arts and crafts to try to make their points. The object of their derision in this case is the ACLU. But what's the obsession with the U.S.S.R.? Are we living in 1988? Why not Castro, or Kim Jong-Il, or Hugo Chavez? What, no cross-burning KKK members or neo-Nazis? The ACLU has defended them before. Larry Flynt? Salman Rushdie, just for shits and giggles? You could make this into a regular Sgt.-Pepper's-Lonely-Hearts-Club- Band-album-cover extravaganza, with just a little more work, and a little more creativity. Because, seriously, the whole "Communism" bugaboo is just soooo played out.

I like this response:

"I think it's fairly festive," said ACLU executive director Will Harrell. "...But keep in mind, nothing in the First Amendment requires that you be accurate about the information. The First Amendment protects parody as well."

DUMBASS

It's hard to feel much sympathy for someone who shoots fireworks out of his ass.

Well, OK, so the words "scorched colon" do make me feel the slightest twang of pity, but I swear, that's all!

I like this quote from an "incredulous safety expert":

"Let's not forget these are explosives. They come with specific instructions about how they should be used."

If it were the United States, we could look forward to warnings on all packages of fireworks instructing us that it is not safe to shoot them out of the human body.

I just got an even worse image: some guy shooting a bottle rocket out of his dick. It's just a matter of time, because we're all Devo!

Song: 5000 Volts, "I'm On Fire"