...Say A Prayer To The Man Above

I'm in a much better place now. I contacted The Man yesterday, asking for a chance to explain myself to him. He messaged back to let me know that he understands where I'm coming from, and that we will get together this weekend to hash it out. It doesn't mean I'm out of the woods yet, but it does suggest that whatever damage done isn't irreparable, and that he maybe sees where my frustration came from. I must add at this point that he knows that my history with relationships is a relatively brief one, and, not to put to fine a point on it, he hasn't had a whole lot of luck in that arena, either. So it does tend to get a little "blind leading the blind": we have a general idea of how things are supposed to work, but never seem entirely sure about how to get there. Which, if nothing else, makes the endeavor somewhat egalitarian. But anyways, the pervading sense of romantic failure that hung about me like a toxic cloud when I wrote the previous post has dispersed a bit, and right now I'm just curious about what will happen next.

I'm using bigger words than usual, and I have no idea why. Except that I've been awake all night.

On the job front, I was granted eligibility for a temporary teaching certificate in Florida yesterday, so, even if no library will hire me, I should be able to start looking for a job as an English teacher in Miami Public Schools. So we'll see. It isn't ideal, of course, but in my life I've found it necessary to remain flexible in my plans. I just sort of see how new paths might contribute to my ultimate goal -- i.e., a career as a librarian -- and just go with it. That's what convinced me to accept the position with both AmeriCorps and with Even Start, both of which I think have made me more attractive to libraries. I may not have a job as a librarian yet, but over the last month I have had four interviews, which is more than I have ever had before. Eventually I'll hit the tipping point; until then, I just labor on.

If You Find Yourself Caught In Love...

Ah, what a difference almost a month makes! Well, OK, so not that much is different. I am still working at Target, still interviewing for library jobs. One interview went particularly well a couple weeks ago, and I have an optimistic feeling about it, but I'm trying to not get my hopes up too hide. They are still doing interviews, as well, and hope to make the hire by October. We'll see how that goes.

Um, other news? I almost had romance. We'll see, but I think I might have said too much, and gotten too possessive too early in our... well, relationship isn't quite the right word. I don't fault myself for how I feel, because, not to go too deep into it, I sort of feel justified in my reaction; I made the mistake of confronting him about it in anger, which I do fault myself on. Instead of discussing it calmly in a way to make my feelings known, I let myself get whipped up into a frenzy of insecurities and basically dumped it all on him without any warning. And then, my timing being what it is, I had to go to work. I managed to get him to agree that we needed to talk about it further, and not to write me off completely -- even as the discussion was going on, I immediately regretted what I was doing, and tried to mitigate it without backing down.

The problem is, and this may in fact come as no surprise to anybody who has read more than one of my posts, I have very little experience in matters of the heart. Now, this is not to say that I don't give wonderful advice: a lifetime spent watching relationship-oriented TV dramas have given me a remarkable knowledge about relationships, at least theoretically. And not to blow my own horn, I have a pretty good capacity for empathizing with other people, and find it easy to give advice based on my own feelings and reactions. But I have not actually dated someone in years. What this essentially means is that when I am faced with the opportunity for romantic entanglement, I react not unlike I do when I am faced with a job interview: I begin to panic at the prospect of screwing it up, and thus become panicky and desperate, which undermines my efforts completely.

It's not that I think I would be a bad boyfriend, any more than I think I would be a bad employee. I have a lot to offer in both positions. Rather, my history creates the desperation: it's been so long since my last opportunity that I fear that I may never have another opportunity again. And let's face it, what people want to see, both in prospective amours and employees, is confidence. I have never been able to fake that with any ability. I had hoped I had turned a corner, that I might be able to play it cool and approach this with maturity. So as surprised as he was by the outburst, I can assure you I was just as surprised.